learned early that life wasn’t all peaches and sunshine, it’s been a struggle to overcome my anger and bitterness but i can say with confidence that i love the universe with all my being. beauty and silver linings in everything. why am i updating tumblr i hate it.
So I just started writing some shit about “floating through life” and “needing an anchor” and being “left to face the unforgiving seas alone” …thank god I came to my senses and deleted that ish. It really sounded like I was 14 again and writing poetry about bleeding mascara. Melodramatic, cliched writing is the worst kind of writing.
I haven’t written anything on here in like a year (I came to realize I hated tumblr and a lot of the trends it has perpetuated) but I’ve kept journals since I was 8 years old, and no matter how long I go without writing, I always need to let it out eventually. And frankly, it’s easier to type than to hand write five pages. I highly doubt anyone reads this anymore anywayzz.
I want to document my day yesterday in particular. So Saturday night I kind of started a new job and it really threw my nerves off…and I’m also stressing whether to take this new opportunity or stay where I’m at. So Sunday morning I wake up feeling weird and exhausted. Until then I hadn’t told my family about the new job, but I decided to tell my mom and sister at this point in time. For some reason I have an extremely hard time opening up to them (and anyone really, but that’s for a different day.) Once I had let it all out, I felt immeasurably better. It may have also had something to do with the benzo I took, but whatevs. For so long I’ve tried to just work out my issues by myself, and alienated people in the process, but I can’t do that anymore. I need to let people in. I need to accept the love and help of others. Everyone needs a support system. I’ve really neglected my family in this aspect. I completely shut them out (especially my mom) for the past few years. The only emotion I could show toward them was anger. Anger is taxing, however, and I can’t physically or mentally do it any longer.
Anyway, after I told them what was up, I took a nap (again, in part due to the benzo.) My sister woke me up and told me her and Gage were going to some carnival and that she wanted me to go with them. I’ve always loved hanging out with my sister and my nephew, but sometimes I just couldn’t do it because it hurt too much. Too much love I felt I didn’t deserve. So I shut it out instead. But like I said, lately it’s been getting better.
I really just wanted to write this so I could talk about this carnival experience. Nothing spectacular happened…it was your standard, shitty carnival in bumfuck, PA but the day just felt…good. It was great weather, not a cloud in the sky. My sister is 7 months pregnant so she couldn’t go on any rides with Gage, so I did. One ride was on these carts that went through a trailer. We knew it was going to be in the dark, but we thought it would be some silly, kids type thing. No. This shit had skeletons, demonic dolls, wolves and witches popping up all over the place. Strobe lights and screaming effects. As soon as it started, Gage buried his head into my arm and stayed there for the duration of the ride. Even I can admit I was fucking scared!! When we finally were back outside in daylight Gage looked up and was shaking all over the place. The kids tough as fuck though so he was good in about 10 seconds, but still, it felt like a really cute bonding experience to me. We stayed at the carnival for a little longer, I took some pics of Gage in front of an American flag truck (had to), and then we ate at Red Robin.
I know it really doesn’t sound like anything special, but it felt like it to me. Seriously, if you have a good family bond, don’t take that shit for granted. It seriously boggles my mind to hear people talk about, or see pictures of, them spending time with their family without drama. And I know a lot of it is my fault because I didn’t want to spend time with my family. Maybe this is growing up. Or maybe this is life without anxiety on medication lol.
SO, ANCHORS….UMM YEAH. WE NEED THEM. WHEN SHIT GETS ROUGH, WE NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP US GROUNDED.
2012. i learned to just fucking let go and who real friends are. one step at a time but i’m getting there.
I just watched this documentary on the assassination of Dr. Tiller, an abortion doctor in Wichita, Kansas in 2009. I feel like I just need to sort my feelings on the topic. I’ve always been pro-choice. I 100% believe that if a woman does not want a baby, FOR WHATEVER REASON, it is HER body, and SHE can choose whether or not to keep it. So the fact that there are people who are SO opposed to abortion just really baffles my mind. How, IN ANY WAY, does it affect them? If a random woman decides to “kill” her baby, how does your life change? It’s not hard to see that it doesn’t change. When you get down to it, those against abortion aren’t fighting for the lives of unborn babies. What they are fighting for is a return to a supposed “Christian America” - where the bible can be literally interpreted, and women (and all minorities) can be discriminated against and controlled. They want power. They see abortion as threatening to their religion, and thus their stability/legitimacy in the world is also threatened.
These people don’t care about babies. They don’t have compassion for the human race at large, or for individual people who are suffering. If they did, they would understand a woman’s need to undergo an abortion. They would put the rights of a living, thinking, feeling human before that of a fetus. Dr. Tiller’s killer, Scott Roeder, is a man who walked out on his wife and young son without notice. He really cares about our children, right? One woman in the documentary who received a late-term abortion from Dr. Tiller describes what she was met with when she arrived at the clinic. Pure hate from protesters screaming at her, desperate to get her to change her mind without knowing any of the details of her situation. These protesters do not see these women as human. They naively and wrongly push all of their rage for modern society onto them. They don’t care to know the details of her situation, either. They just want to “win” by getting her to not receive the abortion. Even if this now means that she will go home and kill herself later due to depression and the unbearable thought of having to raise a child that she does not want. The woman states, “There was a point when I wanted to get out of the car and walk right to them, with my big belly, and have them face me and see me, and tell them that they can never possibly understand the pain and the sorrow and the anguish that I was going through.” Truth is, the protesters don’t care about the woman’s pain and sorrow and anguish.
In the documentary, Dr. Tiller’s killer, Scott Roeder says, “It is not man’s job to take life. It is our heavenly father’s.” This just sums up the hilarious, terrifying hypocrisy of anti-choicers. These are the same people who are (USUALLY. forgive me if I am stereotyping here) pro-guns and pro-war. In their eyes, it really IS okay for man to take life, just so long as it is a life that is not in line with theirs and that goes against Christian America. If Roeder really believed that it was not mans job to take life, he wouldn’t have shot an innocent man point blank in the forehead.
This probably reads very emotional and rash but I don’t give a fuck. It pisses me off that pro-lifers try to pass themselves off as genuinely caring about human lives when they really feel anything but that. It is clear that Dr. Tiller, the nurses at his clinic, and those all around the country, care(d) way more about humanity than militant pro-lifers ever could.
life’s not fair but once you realize this it becomes a whole lot better.
edit - also when you stop being a miserable fuck who thinks they’re better than everyone else, when you stop being angry at/making fun of people who are genuinely happy even though they might go about it in a different way than you would, realize that not everything “mainstream” is laughable, accept people for their differences.
it easy/cowardly to be hateful and angry. doesn’t it get exhausting? get rid of negative energy.